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I Wish I Could Go Back In Time

Lately I have had trouble sleeping.  Its these thoughts…these vicious thoughts that hit you like a brick wall. Literally…the type of thoughts that will wake you up just like that…as if a there was a loud sound or noise that just wakes you up.  These thoughts have robbed me of my sleep.  And its one of the sickest feelings in the world.

During these sleepless nights, I have come to this harsh realization.  I truly lack discipline.  I am completely void of any discipline in my life, especially my school life.  And this got me thinking.  How and why did I lose this discipline? Because I did have it once.  I had it all throughout Junior high.  For three years, I excelled in almost every class I had took.  But then high school came around and I guess that’s where it withered away.  By the time University came around, I had pretty much lost all of it.  And each and every semester its gets more and more ridiculous. 

As bad as it was, I wish I could go back to high school and start all over again.  I wish I could go back and develop proper study habits and actually learn how to study properly.  Then that way, I wouldn’t have had to go through the hell that I had to to get into University.  I wouldn’t have had to go through all that depression that I had suffered through.  I would have been happy in University. I would have had good, proper, efficient study habits and discipline…which would have given me motivation and determination to do what I had to do to get a good GPA so that I wouldn’t lay in bed awake, terrified at what my future will hold for me.  I wish I had taken opportunities and more chances.  I wish I lived in a dorm, by myself.  I wish I could have taken a semester abroad.  I wish I could have met a girl.  Life could be so much more easier if I could just go back in time.  They say that your teens and your 20s are the best years of your life so you should enjoy them because they are not coming back.  Do you know how scary that phrase is? Just say it back in your head…”those days are never coming back…” You have no idea how scared that phrase made me a few nights ago. The more I thought about it, the more panicked I got.  My stomach began to feel sick, my legs got numb.  These days that go by me everyday are never coming back.  As much as I may have accomplished throughout the years, I really feel that the majority of the days that have passed me have been a waste to one extent or the other. 

The sad thing is, I don’t know what to do…

  1. iwithmyself
    December 15, 2007 at 2:23 am

    I really loved your blog and could feel a kind of connection with it. i can say that what happened with you, was the same thing, which was repeated in my case. i couldn’t sleep days together after seeing people walking upon me. the same people who were far behind me. it’s frightening as i was and iam too individualistic in a way. i have this ego problem. but it is good for me as it keeps me going. this attitute in me of never giving up is what i admire. today, iam still not that successful from my perspective but people around me do thing that iama survivor. it’s not easy to be in one of the top universities of India but this is not an end. it’s just the beginning of my career, for my unaccomplished goals. i think life is short to cry about the things which we couldn’t do, to lament about the past all the time. may be, iam being too utopian and hypocrite as i too cry in the nights for the days which i lost. but after that i do make it a point to retaliate in my own way. i know what iam, iam born to be a winner and will be, it’s just the matter of time.

  2. Allison
    December 15, 2007 at 2:36 am

    I’m just a random stranger, but I just wanted to say that I feel your student pain. I’m also a political science undergrad at a Canadian university, I’m just finishing up my first semester of third year. I know exactly how you feel about the whole GPA law school and grad school thing. It drove me mental a year ago. I have been stressed about this for almost a year, and am still nowhere near where I want to be academically. It’s really tough. That’s what they never tell you when you go to university! How freaking tough it is to just stay on task and work your butt off. I actually started using the counselling service at my school to help me deal with it, it’s helped a lot, but a lot of it still has to come within you. The counsellor isn’t there to tell you to calm down when you’re calculating GPA projections in bed with a calculator at 2 am the night before a final exam (I do that…)

    Anyway, now I’m rambling. Just wanted to let you know that someone else is feeling your pain! I feel like this is all some kind of screwed up test, that if you can survive crunch time at university you can survive working in life? I’m not too sure.

  3. December 15, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks for your comments Iwithmyself.

    Allison, its nice to know that I am not alone. I just hope that other people who are feeling what we are feeling quickly get over it. Nobody should have to go through this. I wish you the best of luck.

  4. steve
    October 20, 2008 at 8:58 am

    Interesting situation, but my regrets are the opposite end of this spectrum. I got bad grades in Jr. Hi. and HS, but after the military, became a workaholic. With only average intelligence, I had to work twice as hard as the next guy to make the same gains.

    I lose sleep and have regrets that I worked hard all of my life and didn’t develop the personal relationships and family ties that I should have and wish I could go back in time and change all of that.

  5. JR
    January 8, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    I wish I could go back in time too…I don’t know if I’d study as hard but I shrugged off a whole lot of opportunities that won’t come my way again. Better than 10 years later I lay awake at night wishing for a time machine to go back and make some different choices. In my case, I played conservative thinking there will be other shots at what I want in life, party now while you still can… I have a lot of regrets from having that attitude.

    You only live once, and you gotta live life to it’s fullest while you can, be damned to all others, even family & their judgments. Live with no regrets!

  6. RandomDude
    April 12, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Randomly found this blog and I love it because I know exactly how you feel. I’m a college junior at prestigious East Coast school and I can’t stand it. I transferred from a lesser-known but decent college with the idea that I’d find a better job doing so. I hate what I study and most of the time think I would like school a lot better had I just been born smarter. High school and earlier years were fine; in fact I loved school but it was definitely easier and not very competitive. Now, the students are so competitive and only want to be your friends if they can get something out of you. Of course everyone is nice but most of the time not very genuine. I thought about dropping out so many times. My GPA isn’t horrible but its no where near good and at this point it will be very difficult to raise it. I can’t stand where I live and have a feeling it will be a while before I can actually afford a place of my own. College I know that I would like it better if I was more prepared…adjusted my attitude on academics when I was still young in order to survive this ordeal. I wish someone would have said how different college is. Paying a steep price tag, only then do I realize how much college sucks.

    JR’s comment is dead on. I was rambling because sometimes I can’t sleep at night just thinking about my unsuccessful future life. But its really important to try and rid yourself of these feelings. Try to be happier. I have one more year, so I figure I’ll at least finish school. Don’t worry, and do research on what you’d really love to do at this point and try not to think too much about the past..it can be daunting.

  7. Sam
    April 25, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Hey, just happened to stumble upon this website. I have the same feelings, except I did have good study habits in college and got a good GPA. But I didn’t have all the friends, no girlfriend, no travel experience. At graduation I didn’t go to any party and celebrate. Now I’ve been working for two years and just can’t seem to put the same energy into it like I did for school, and I chain smoke now even though my job isn’t stressful at all. I see this was written some time back so I don’t know if its the same way still, but I can’t believe these are supposed to be the best years of my life. I mean with years like this, who needs years?! right? haha.

  8. sha
    December 11, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    I can relate so much to the comment about sleepless nights and thoughts that hit you like a brick wall. I’ve been having the same ones lately, and considered that I may be having a little bit of a mental issue but like they say, if you’re able to think you’re crazy, than you really aren’t…I’m 28 now, and graduated from a 4 year “non conventional” state college with a BA, but I feel that it was too easy, and I didn’t learn any solid skills. I focused more towards fine art, so I guess that’s partly my fault. I wish I had actually taken more opportunities in high school, like studied harder (I didn’t really try till my senior year, and I got almost all A’s and a few B’s, and a good GPA, so I can imagine if I had actually chose to apply myself the other three years, how much more I could have accomplished.) I also would have done more extra curricular activities, other than jv tennis, which I was really bad at. A friend of mine wanted me to try out for cheer leading with her, which I did (unfortunately she didn’t make it but I did) than I had too many prejudices and was too lazy and a bit scared of being pigeon holed as a typical “cheer leader” and all the bad rap that went with that that I heard, plus naively thinking it was too expensive for the outfit. So I didn’t join the team, and now I regret completely throwing that opportunity away. I never had a boyfriend in high school, although I had one in college-but wish I had had one in high school because now, as an adult, the time I get to spend with my current boyfriend is so little, and we’re both stressed about work all the time etc., it’s not like in college or I imagine, high school, where you’re not so focused on survival, and had a little more free time. Now it’s beginning to dawn on me that there’s no way to get that time back, and it literally will hit me while I’m laying in bed, and I’ll sit up, I think because my body wants to do all the things I didn’t do, before it’s really too late. But of course there’s no way of going back in time, and it’s hard to live experiences you’ve missed when they are more appropriate for another time period in life, so I just have to either get up and do something till I get sleepy, or lie down and hope not to think about it.

    • January 14, 2010 at 1:26 am

      I sympathise with you Sha. I have met so many people that are going through the exact same thing as you. Those lamenting regrets are utterly heart breaking because like you said, those days and those times are never going to come back. I hope you do find a way to at least do some of the things that you would have liked to. But life is hard in that respect and sometimes it is just near impossible.

      I wish you the best of luck in everything. Thank you also for taking the time to write a heartfelt comment on my blog. It means a lot.

  9. sha
    December 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm


    I played conservative as well, thinking the opportunities would come later for what I wanted, and put a lot of importance on “partying” and have many regrets about it, partly because I tried to intentionally blanket everything with alcohol and drugs and parties thinking it was cool, even if it’s not really who I was.

  10. February 8, 2010 at 2:15 am

    i think it dum not to lit some one how is 22 or a little bit older not to be able to go back to high school it just not right becose obm could make a lot of 22 years old and a little bit older a chings to make there life a lot happer iam 22 and want to go back to high school and it not right that i cant go back be cose iam 22 it my EG C SO THAT WHAT I THINK

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