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Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

Chipped Teeth

August 10, 2009 5 comments

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now wear the hallmark of a true Canadian.  Three of my teeth are now severely chipped due to a hockey stick hitting my in the mouth.  I forgot how it exactly happened.  All I remember is seeing a bottom end of a hockey blade with black tape around it heading directly to my mouth.  It hit me and I got stunned and stood there waiting for some sort of sharp horrible pain to hit me.  When that didn’t happen, I waited a few seconds to spit out any teeth that may have gotten loose.  Thank God that didn’t happen either.

What did happen however is that my two front teeth are severly chipped.  A good chunk of the bottom part of both those teeth are gone.  And I have a bottom tooth that has a chip from the back.  Plus my upper lip is cut from two places.  I guess that’s just part of life when you play hockey.

What I didn’t expect to happen after this happened was an odd feeling of depression.  I don’t know what happened to the other pieces of my teeth but I found a large chunk of my chipped tooth on the ball hockey floor.  After I rinsed my mouth out and the bleeding stopped, all of a sudden I began to feel depressed.  I can’t really describe it but it was almost that feeling that a part of me was missing, was gone.

I have heard many cases of people going through this state of depression after having a limb amputated and their accounts were similar.  They articulated a similar feeling that they were missing a part of themselves.  And rightfully so.  I too, would be devastated if God forbid something like that would happen to me.  But this was just a few parts of my teeth missing and almost immediately I began to feel withdrawn from everyone.  And people saw that on my face.  It was clearly evident that I was feeling down.

I remember I was sitting alone by myself for a few minutes while my team finished off their game.  I sat there and I wanted to cry.  I was so depressed.  I’ve been thinking about it today and I for the life of me, I really don’t know why I was feeling like that.  I mean chipped teeth are a common occurrence.  And it’s something that can be fixed very easily (although very costly).  My friends tried to make me feel better but it just didn’t work.

I am feeling a lot better now.  That wave of depression has passed.  Now I am more concerned about if my university med plan is going to cover this.  I really hope it does because I can tell you right now, I can’t afford to get my teeth fixed.  And I NEED to get them fixed.  I have exposed nerve endings and it’s proving to be very difficult to eat and drink.  I guess I’ll have to go to university in the morning and find out how this goes.

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I Wish I Could Go Back In Time

December 15, 2007 11 comments

Lately I have had trouble sleeping.  Its these thoughts…these vicious thoughts that hit you like a brick wall. Literally…the type of thoughts that will wake you up just like that…as if a there was a loud sound or noise that just wakes you up.  These thoughts have robbed me of my sleep.  And its one of the sickest feelings in the world.

During these sleepless nights, I have come to this harsh realization.  I truly lack discipline.  I am completely void of any discipline in my life, especially my school life.  And this got me thinking.  How and why did I lose this discipline? Because I did have it once.  I had it all throughout Junior high.  For three years, I excelled in almost every class I had took.  But then high school came around and I guess that’s where it withered away.  By the time University came around, I had pretty much lost all of it.  And each and every semester its gets more and more ridiculous. 

As bad as it was, I wish I could go back to high school and start all over again.  I wish I could go back and develop proper study habits and actually learn how to study properly.  Then that way, I wouldn’t have had to go through the hell that I had to to get into University.  I wouldn’t have had to go through all that depression that I had suffered through.  I would have been happy in University. I would have had good, proper, efficient study habits and discipline…which would have given me motivation and determination to do what I had to do to get a good GPA so that I wouldn’t lay in bed awake, terrified at what my future will hold for me.  I wish I had taken opportunities and more chances.  I wish I lived in a dorm, by myself.  I wish I could have taken a semester abroad.  I wish I could have met a girl.  Life could be so much more easier if I could just go back in time.  They say that your teens and your 20s are the best years of your life so you should enjoy them because they are not coming back.  Do you know how scary that phrase is? Just say it back in your head…”those days are never coming back…” You have no idea how scared that phrase made me a few nights ago. The more I thought about it, the more panicked I got.  My stomach began to feel sick, my legs got numb.  These days that go by me everyday are never coming back.  As much as I may have accomplished throughout the years, I really feel that the majority of the days that have passed me have been a waste to one extent or the other. 

The sad thing is, I don’t know what to do…

Observations On The Decline Of My Life

November 23, 2007 1 comment

I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to blog.  Im not exactly sure about what though.  It looks like its going to be a long night tonight.  I am so not looking forward to it.  But I guess I have nobody to blame but myself, and thus probably deserve a sleepless night. 

So yea…I don’t know man.  I gotta get my life in serious order here.  It just seems like everything is static and I am going nowhere.  I am always stressed about the future.  I am never stressed about the present.  And whatever ends up happening in the future is going to be because I was not stressed in the present.  Its like this vicious cycle that I can’t get myself out of.  Sometimes I think that with all the stuff that man has accomplished over the Melania, we inevitably or by accident make our lives more difficult as each day goes by.  Or maybe its just me.  Maybe Im copping out.  More likely than not, it is I who has made my own life more complicated than it should be.  And maybe because of that, I will have opened up a whole can of worms in the future for me to deal with.  But even so…I don’t know how people deal with this sorta stuff. Or maybe I am over-blowing my whole situation and I just have to put things into perspective and context.  I think its quite clear to conclude that I am pretty lost nowadays.  All I really want is to live a carefree life and not be one of those people that hates what they do for a living, hates getting up from bed and living another day that they do not look forward to.  Right now at this point in time, it seems like I will be one of those people that hates their job.  And honestly, I dread that like you wouldn’t believe.  And yet, I am not taking the steps that will help me achieve a job that I love.  And I honestly wish I knew why.  I honestly do, but I don’t.  If I get a job that I hate, my whole life up to that point will have been in vein and therefore completely worthless.  And yet, despite all that I have just stated, I have no motivation to get up and do what I have to in order to achieve what I so badly desire.  And I don’t want to be one of those people that has to reach a horrid low in order to get my life in order.  That is something that I fear even more.  And its not like I am lacking anything in my life.  I have good parents, good friends, house, car…all that stuff… though I have no money and no girlfriend.   

I guess I will have to live every day until one day it finally hits me that I actually have to do something about this.  I hope that day comes soon and I hope it comes in peace, not by some horrid result. 

I Hate This…

November 18, 2007 Leave a comment

This like happens to me every semester. Just when paper time is around the corner, I crash.  As of right now, I have two papers due, one of which was due Friday and the other one which is due on Monday.  I have all the books lying here on my bedroom floor but yet, here I am sitting here, not even making an effort to get myself writing.  And yet, here I am typing away on my blog.  For the last like three to four hours, I have sat here and surfed youtube and watched quite possibly every Freaks and Geeks clip as well as every Undeclared clip on the site.  Every now and then, between my periods of rationality, this thought of my crappy GPA comes to mind and I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and my legs get numb.  And to get rid of this feeling, I try and do something else…like watch another Undeclared episode, just to relieve my stress.  This weekend hasn’t helped at all.  I’ve had LSAT class all day Friday and Saturday and I have it Sunday as well.  That still isn’t an excuse considering I have had all of last week, up until Wednesday off for the long weekend.  I don’t know why I do this.   This happens every Goddamn semester.  I am at this point where I just hate papers now with such a passion.  I don’t want to write papers for which I have to be graded for the littlest things anymore.  Can you believe, I will get docked a third of a letter grade, just because I didn’t footnote write? Like bloody come on.  This isn’t good for my GPA, this isn’t good for grad school or law school either.  I really hate times like this.  Its times like this where I see my entire future collapse in front of me.  Like literally…I can see my entire life end right now.  And you know what the funny thing is? I never ever learn my lesson. I go through this hell every semester.  And I just never learn.  I wish I knew why I do this.  And to be honest, I really don’t know.  The only thing I can attribute this to is the lack of motivation and drive….which is so sad because I could be graduating like a year from now.  Why did life have to be so bloody hard? I can slowly see myself becoming a failure and I have nobody blame but myself.