Posts Tagged ‘Future’

I Wish I Could Go Back In Time

December 15, 2007 11 comments

Lately I have had trouble sleeping.  Its these thoughts…these vicious thoughts that hit you like a brick wall. Literally…the type of thoughts that will wake you up just like that…as if a there was a loud sound or noise that just wakes you up.  These thoughts have robbed me of my sleep.  And its one of the sickest feelings in the world.

During these sleepless nights, I have come to this harsh realization.  I truly lack discipline.  I am completely void of any discipline in my life, especially my school life.  And this got me thinking.  How and why did I lose this discipline? Because I did have it once.  I had it all throughout Junior high.  For three years, I excelled in almost every class I had took.  But then high school came around and I guess that’s where it withered away.  By the time University came around, I had pretty much lost all of it.  And each and every semester its gets more and more ridiculous. 

As bad as it was, I wish I could go back to high school and start all over again.  I wish I could go back and develop proper study habits and actually learn how to study properly.  Then that way, I wouldn’t have had to go through the hell that I had to to get into University.  I wouldn’t have had to go through all that depression that I had suffered through.  I would have been happy in University. I would have had good, proper, efficient study habits and discipline…which would have given me motivation and determination to do what I had to do to get a good GPA so that I wouldn’t lay in bed awake, terrified at what my future will hold for me.  I wish I had taken opportunities and more chances.  I wish I lived in a dorm, by myself.  I wish I could have taken a semester abroad.  I wish I could have met a girl.  Life could be so much more easier if I could just go back in time.  They say that your teens and your 20s are the best years of your life so you should enjoy them because they are not coming back.  Do you know how scary that phrase is? Just say it back in your head…”those days are never coming back…” You have no idea how scared that phrase made me a few nights ago. The more I thought about it, the more panicked I got.  My stomach began to feel sick, my legs got numb.  These days that go by me everyday are never coming back.  As much as I may have accomplished throughout the years, I really feel that the majority of the days that have passed me have been a waste to one extent or the other. 

The sad thing is, I don’t know what to do…


Observations On The Decline Of My Life

November 23, 2007 1 comment

I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to blog.  Im not exactly sure about what though.  It looks like its going to be a long night tonight.  I am so not looking forward to it.  But I guess I have nobody to blame but myself, and thus probably deserve a sleepless night. 

So yea…I don’t know man.  I gotta get my life in serious order here.  It just seems like everything is static and I am going nowhere.  I am always stressed about the future.  I am never stressed about the present.  And whatever ends up happening in the future is going to be because I was not stressed in the present.  Its like this vicious cycle that I can’t get myself out of.  Sometimes I think that with all the stuff that man has accomplished over the Melania, we inevitably or by accident make our lives more difficult as each day goes by.  Or maybe its just me.  Maybe Im copping out.  More likely than not, it is I who has made my own life more complicated than it should be.  And maybe because of that, I will have opened up a whole can of worms in the future for me to deal with.  But even so…I don’t know how people deal with this sorta stuff. Or maybe I am over-blowing my whole situation and I just have to put things into perspective and context.  I think its quite clear to conclude that I am pretty lost nowadays.  All I really want is to live a carefree life and not be one of those people that hates what they do for a living, hates getting up from bed and living another day that they do not look forward to.  Right now at this point in time, it seems like I will be one of those people that hates their job.  And honestly, I dread that like you wouldn’t believe.  And yet, I am not taking the steps that will help me achieve a job that I love.  And I honestly wish I knew why.  I honestly do, but I don’t.  If I get a job that I hate, my whole life up to that point will have been in vein and therefore completely worthless.  And yet, despite all that I have just stated, I have no motivation to get up and do what I have to in order to achieve what I so badly desire.  And I don’t want to be one of those people that has to reach a horrid low in order to get my life in order.  That is something that I fear even more.  And its not like I am lacking anything in my life.  I have good parents, good friends, house, car…all that stuff… though I have no money and no girlfriend.   

I guess I will have to live every day until one day it finally hits me that I actually have to do something about this.  I hope that day comes soon and I hope it comes in peace, not by some horrid result.