Slow Start

So this semester has gotten off to a very slow start for me.

I had an hour long presentation last week which I literally pulled together at the last minute.  I didn’t even know the exact date my presentation was on.  It got so bad that I showed up to class one day thinking my presentation was that day.  I was so nervous and so not prepared.  I was actually contemplating telling the prof I was sick or something.  It turns out, my presentation wasn’t til a week later.  Luckily I managed to put together a decent presentation that the prof and the class actually appreciated.

I have a midterm coming up this Friday and I just downloaded all the notes we’ve gone through since the beginning of the semester off of the school site.  I have a week to study for it but as of right now, I have no idea what is going on in the class.  It’s not that I don’t go to class (although I have skipped a significant amount), I just don’t pay attention in that class.  All I do when I come to class is open up my notebook and surf the web; stalking people on facebook or thoroughly reading every article on every news site I can get to in an hour.  And as of right now, I have been sitting in the library attempting to study for the past three hours and I have gotten nothing done.

In my other class, I know I have a midterm coming up but I don’t know exactly when.  The prof has provided no dates on the course outline which is utterly frustrating.  On top of that, I have to submit a presentation proposal soon and I don’t even know what I will present on.  It would help if I went to that class, but I have literally attended that class twice since the semester as begun.

I really need to start getting my act together.  I was doing so well last semester; not only having fun but also keeping on top of all my work.  This time, it hasn’t played out that way.  Ive been having way too much fun and haven’t been paying any attention to my school work.

I had this little mantra last semester that if I get a little bit done each day or every few days, I won’t be stressing at deadlines.  I stuck to that and it actually worked.  It kept me from procrastinating (for the most part) and kept me on top of everything I have had to do.  I think I need to constantly remind myself of that. If I don’t, the semester will be over before I know it and I’ll be stuck in a position come exam time where I don’t want to be.  And it seems like this semester is going to fly by.  I looked at the calender today and its already Feb!.

Plus, I need to get over this Gossip Girl addiction that I’ve recently aquired…

The Last Week of Classes

Well, it is upon us my friends.  It’s the last week of school.  And it is intense on campus.  People are running around all over the place with the look of utter fear on their faces.  It’s as if all of us are staring death right in the face.  There is nowhere to study on campus.  The library is literally flooded with people.  Every floor of every tower, every classroom, and every cubicle is occupied with crammers.

First exams begin on Saturday and I am one of those unfortunate souls that will be sacrificed early on that morning.  I don’t even know where to begin studying.  The prof threw so much information at us this semester that it literally seems impossible.  I just hope whatever studying that I manage to pull of over the next three days will actually be worth something.  I can’t afford to get a B in the class. I desperately need at least an A-.

I finally finished my last remaining paper last night.  It was such a good feeling handing it in and knowing that I will not have to do any of these things again for another couple of months.  I used to love doing papers during the first year or two of University but now I am just literally sick of them.  I hate researching my topics, I hate trying to figure out how to structure my essay, what to put in, what to leave out…all that sorta stuff.  I hate editing my work after I am done.  The worst part about papers, the one thing that literally irritates me are footnotes and citations.  They are such a pain it’s not even funny.  Footnoting and citing literally takes me an hour at the very least.  But like I said before, thank God I won’t have to do any of that for a while.

My condition right now is horrid.  I am so stressed for this up coming exam.  I have no eating schedule, no sleeping schedule no going home schedule…nothing.  I am in desperate need of a haircut and my nails are so long that it’s actually embarrassing.  I don’t think I’ll have time to shave until a few days before Christmas when exams are finally over.  I have bags under my eyes because I can’t sleep properly.  And dressing decent is out of the question.  I am walking around school literally looking like some guy that just got off work from a construction site.  I am trying to find every excuse in the world not to study.  I am constantly hungry and constantly irritated.  If I had swear jar, it would be filled to the top right now.  It’s getting so bad that coffee and tea have no effect on my whatsoever.  Caffeine highs are no longer doing it…I need something harder than caffeine.  I think it’s time to move up to energy drinks.

For those of you who will be joining me in these crutial last weeks of the semester, I wish you the best of luck.  Godspeed.

I Wish I Could Go Back In Time

Lately I have had trouble sleeping.  Its these thoughts…these vicious thoughts that hit you like a brick wall. Literally…the type of thoughts that will wake you up just like that…as if a there was a loud sound or noise that just wakes you up.  These thoughts have robbed me of my sleep.  And its one of the sickest feelings in the world.

During these sleepless nights, I have come to this harsh realization.  I truly lack discipline.  I am completely void of any discipline in my life, especially my school life.  And this got me thinking.  How and why did I lose this discipline? Because I did have it once.  I had it all throughout Junior high.  For three years, I excelled in almost every class I had took.  But then high school came around and I guess that’s where it withered away.  By the time University came around, I had pretty much lost all of it.  And each and every semester its gets more and more ridiculous. 

As bad as it was, I wish I could go back to high school and start all over again.  I wish I could go back and develop proper study habits and actually learn how to study properly.  Then that way, I wouldn’t have had to go through the hell that I had to to get into University.  I wouldn’t have had to go through all that depression that I had suffered through.  I would have been happy in University. I would have had good, proper, efficient study habits and discipline…which would have given me motivation and determination to do what I had to do to get a good GPA so that I wouldn’t lay in bed awake, terrified at what my future will hold for me.  I wish I had taken opportunities and more chances.  I wish I lived in a dorm, by myself.  I wish I could have taken a semester abroad.  I wish I could have met a girl.  Life could be so much more easier if I could just go back in time.  They say that your teens and your 20s are the best years of your life so you should enjoy them because they are not coming back.  Do you know how scary that phrase is? Just say it back in your head…”those days are never coming back…” You have no idea how scared that phrase made me a few nights ago. The more I thought about it, the more panicked I got.  My stomach began to feel sick, my legs got numb.  These days that go by me everyday are never coming back.  As much as I may have accomplished throughout the years, I really feel that the majority of the days that have passed me have been a waste to one extent or the other. 

The sad thing is, I don’t know what to do…

Observations On The Decline Of My Life

I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to blog.  Im not exactly sure about what though.  It looks like its going to be a long night tonight.  I am so not looking forward to it.  But I guess I have nobody to blame but myself, and thus probably deserve a sleepless night. 

So yea…I don’t know man.  I gotta get my life in serious order here.  It just seems like everything is static and I am going nowhere.  I am always stressed about the future.  I am never stressed about the present.  And whatever ends up happening in the future is going to be because I was not stressed in the present.  Its like this vicious cycle that I can’t get myself out of.  Sometimes I think that with all the stuff that man has accomplished over the Melania, we inevitably or by accident make our lives more difficult as each day goes by.  Or maybe its just me.  Maybe Im copping out.  More likely than not, it is I who has made my own life more complicated than it should be.  And maybe because of that, I will have opened up a whole can of worms in the future for me to deal with.  But even so…I don’t know how people deal with this sorta stuff. Or maybe I am over-blowing my whole situation and I just have to put things into perspective and context.  I think its quite clear to conclude that I am pretty lost nowadays.  All I really want is to live a carefree life and not be one of those people that hates what they do for a living, hates getting up from bed and living another day that they do not look forward to.  Right now at this point in time, it seems like I will be one of those people that hates their job.  And honestly, I dread that like you wouldn’t believe.  And yet, I am not taking the steps that will help me achieve a job that I love.  And I honestly wish I knew why.  I honestly do, but I don’t.  If I get a job that I hate, my whole life up to that point will have been in vein and therefore completely worthless.  And yet, despite all that I have just stated, I have no motivation to get up and do what I have to in order to achieve what I so badly desire.  And I don’t want to be one of those people that has to reach a horrid low in order to get my life in order.  That is something that I fear even more.  And its not like I am lacking anything in my life.  I have good parents, good friends, house, car…all that stuff… though I have no money and no girlfriend.   

I guess I will have to live every day until one day it finally hits me that I actually have to do something about this.  I hope that day comes soon and I hope it comes in peace, not by some horrid result. 

*YAWN*

I really Miss sleep. Like seriously. I miss sleep.  I want sleep. I need sleep.  I slept last night for a bit and had one of the most pleasant dreams I have ever had in a while.  Like I actually woke up happy for once.  What made it even more pleasant was that there was a certain someone that I was with in the dream.  But yea…I so wish I could sleep right now. Times like this where I wish I didn’t have this stress lingering over my head.  

I Hate This…

This like happens to me every semester. Just when paper time is around the corner, I crash.  As of right now, I have two papers due, one of which was due Friday and the other one which is due on Monday.  I have all the books lying here on my bedroom floor but yet, here I am sitting here, not even making an effort to get myself writing.  And yet, here I am typing away on my blog.  For the last like three to four hours, I have sat here and surfed youtube and watched quite possibly every Freaks and Geeks clip as well as every Undeclared clip on the site.  Every now and then, between my periods of rationality, this thought of my crappy GPA comes to mind and I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and my legs get numb.  And to get rid of this feeling, I try and do something else…like watch another Undeclared episode, just to relieve my stress.  This weekend hasn’t helped at all.  I’ve had LSAT class all day Friday and Saturday and I have it Sunday as well.  That still isn’t an excuse considering I have had all of last week, up until Wednesday off for the long weekend.  I don’t know why I do this.   This happens every Goddamn semester.  I am at this point where I just hate papers now with such a passion.  I don’t want to write papers for which I have to be graded for the littlest things anymore.  Can you believe, I will get docked a third of a letter grade, just because I didn’t footnote write? Like bloody come on.  This isn’t good for my GPA, this isn’t good for grad school or law school either.  I really hate times like this.  Its times like this where I see my entire future collapse in front of me.  Like literally…I can see my entire life end right now.  And you know what the funny thing is? I never ever learn my lesson. I go through this hell every semester.  And I just never learn.  I wish I knew why I do this.  And to be honest, I really don’t know.  The only thing I can attribute this to is the lack of motivation and drive….which is so sad because I could be graduating like a year from now.  Why did life have to be so bloody hard? I can slowly see myself becoming a failure and I have nobody blame but myself.